It’s been five months since the Tone Deaf office first taste-tested La Mascara, the alcohol line concocted by ex-Silverchair drummer Ben Gillie and his wife Jackie, aka The Real Housewives of Melbourne‘s resident psychic.
We haven’t been the same since.
But because we’re smart, rational people who don’t do the same thing twice and expect a different result, we were the first in the non-existent line to try La Mascara’s new range of High Teas. Yes, they’re expanding.
Once again we forced everyone to stop what they were doing and get involved. Two teas, seven judges. Truth tea spilled everywhere.
We documented the whole thing and this is what happened. It wasn’t very pretty.
Here we go. We’re going in.
Tea #1: Lemon
Before:
After:
What we said:
- “The smell is a lot worse than the taste.”
- “The immediate aftertaste is more bitter than Andrea’s attitude but overall not too bad.”
- “It’s so sugary. What’s it hiding? Suddenly remembered I haven’t been to the dentist in over a year and I should probably fix that.”
- “There is that weird after-taste you get waking up the morning after a rager.”
- “Drinkable, I guess, like if I was para I would drink it.”
- “It smells like tea, but it don’t taste like tea. The bubbles shocked me a little.”
- “It smells like bourbon, it looks like bourbon, it burns like bourbon, but it’s vodka. Go figure.”
If it was a Silverchair song:
Overall score: 31/70
Tea #2: Peach
Before:
After:
What we said:
- “Holy shit.”
- “It smells and tastes like the cough syrup I was forced to drink as a child.”
- “It tastes like the makers of this flavour have chucked an old teabag in a bottle of faux peach nectar, it’s a diabetic’s deathwish.”
- “I am not taking a second sip. Sorry.”
- “Fifth sip of this, I’m getting a headache, and all I’m picturing in my head is the .GIF of Lydia saying ‘Nasty pasty’ over and over again.”
- “I actually now have the shakes and I think if I polished a bottle of this off I’d be on my way to the Alfred.”
- “First overwhelming bubbles, then peach, then nasty. There was an interesting journey in each of those sips.”
If it was a Silverchair song:
Overall score: 17/70
Winner: Lemon
Overall La Mascara Winner:
We decided to ask everyone present for both the cocktail and high tea taste testings to compare them and compile a definitive ranking of La Mascara beverages. The deliberation got pretty heated, but a decision was finally made.
From best to worst, they are:
1. Espresso Martini
2. Lemon Tea
3. Raspberry & Lime Cosmo
4. Cloudy Apple & Mint Mojito
5. Peach Tea
For what it’s worth, the Martini comes out on top. But really, that’s not saying much.
Shine shine shine.
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