Nothing in this world evokes feelings of dread quite like the opening jingle of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’. Whilst we can all universally agree that the song slaps, it triggers an element of trauma for everyone who has ever done a stint in retail during the silly season. To combat the dreaded melisma of Mariah, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of 7 Christmas songs to add to your Chrimbo playlist this year that aren’t, well, that.
‘Christmas At The Zoo’ – The Flaming Lips
Honestly, this world deserves a Christmas anthem about attempting to set animals free from the confines of the zoo on the eve of Christmas. Who better to tackle the job than the wacky, weird and wonderful The Flaming Lips. There wasn’t any snow on Christmas eve / And I knew what I should do /I thought I’d free the animals all locked up at the zoo.
‘River’ – Joni Mitchell
The best Christmas film of all time is indisputably Love, Actually. And the most heart-rending moment of the film is that scene where lovely, gorgeous Emma Thompson discovers Alan Rickman is having an affair with his dastardly receptionist via a Joni Mitchell CD.
It’s only fitting that we feature a song by our dear Joni on this playlist. Is there a better way to celebrate Christmas than to dwell on the dissolution of all your romantic relationships? Who’d’ve thunk the interpolation of the ‘Jingle Bells’ melody could be so god dang heartbreaking?
“We needed a sad Christmas song, didn’t we?” Mitchell shared in an interview with NPR “In the ‘bah humbug’ of it all.”
‘The Most Wonderful Time For A Beer’ – Carlton Dry Christmas Orchestra
There are too many Christmas songs that feature egg nog, quite frankly the milky punch does not fair well with Christmas in Australia. The thought of clumping egg yolks curdling in my stomach as I sweat it out by the poolside fills me with complete dread. Thankfully, the good lords at Carlton Dry Christmas Orchestra have listened to the cries of the people, and have penned a beautiful, beery ode to Christmas.
Honestly, there is no greater brew on this planet to knock back on a sweltering Chrimbo arvo than an ice-cold beer. It’s an age-old tradition that deserves to be preserved through a jaunty Christmas ditty.
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The song also takes a snide swipe at the ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ behemoth, “know things are dire when they’re playing Mariah”. We absolutely do know, and we thank you for recognising our pain.
‘Christmas in Harlem’ – Kanye West, Teyana Taylor, CyHi the Prince
You’d think that Kanye West had given us enough in 2010 with the release of his opus My Beautiful Dark, Twisted, Fantasy, but you’d be wrong. West surprised us all by dropping the most fire Christmas song ever willed into existence. It’s a bloody sonic feast that puts your mothers actual Xmas spread to shame.
‘Frosty The Snowman’ – The Cocteau Twins
Music fans from the early 90s may recall the Volume CD compilations that were periodically released between 1991 and 1997. The ones with the garish photos of tropical fish? No? Anyone?
Anyway, on the December 1992 edition of the compilation, everyone’s favourite Glaswegian reverb-drenched sweethearts Cocteau Twins offered up a perfectly dreamy cover of Frosty The Snowman. It’s a twinkly delight.
‘Blue Christmas’ – Bright Eyes
Whilst no one comes close to topping Elvis’s soulful rendition of the track, Conor Oberst and his troupe offered up a more sombre take on this classic song. It’s the kind of track you’d expect Seth Cohen to feature on a Chrismukkah playlist.
‘Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day’ – Sufjan Stevens
We’re seven songs into this seven-song playlist and you’ve probably arrived here with the conclusion that I must really hate Christmas. I promise you I don’t. It’s just that we’re so exposed to the jubilant trills of jolly songs as we’re swept up in the mad capitalist rush of buying all our loved ones glasshouse candles in a packed, lurid Westfield. I don’t think it’s a crime to admit that by time Christmas comes around, all we really want to do is hang out with the people we love most, crack open a Carlton, and allow ourselves to wind down. That’s why I’ve chosen to close on whimsical, Sufjan musings. To remind you all that we’re merely human, we’re probably a little burnt out, and we should hold the ones we love dear and shed a silent tear.
