The Beards

If you don’t know about The Beards, you should! Currently half way through a massive national Australian tour, The 2012 End of The World (for beardless people) Tour, the Adelaide bearded rockers are celebrating their new music video for the song ‘Got Me a Beard’ from the album ‘Having a Beard is the New Not Having a Beard’. As part of this tour the band will be stopping by Queenscliff Music Festival on the 23rd and 24th November, and took some time out to have a chat with us about what food constantly gets stuck in their beards and what bearded musician’s shouldn’t eat before hitting the stage.

What were your food influences when you were growing up and what kind of food did you eat at home or with your family?

My food influence growing up was definitely Peter Russell-Clarke – a strong bearded man making food for Australia. Every night my family and I would pop on the ABC and cook whatever Peter told us to. It was great!

What dish or cuisine do you most like to eat on tour and why?

Late-night Kebab outlets are always a winner due to the high ratio of beard hair in their food. Also, we like alfalfa sprouts. If you use your imagination well enough, it’s like wrapping your lips around a huge beard – delish.

What type of food do you hate, and what is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever eaten? 

Boiled eggs – a more beardless food you will not find. The very texture of the surface is the epitome of hairlessness. In my late adolescence my mother began making me boiled eggs for breakfast as she’d heard they can help with brain power during high school matriculation. I knew I didn’t like them but I didn’t know why. On the Friday of the 1^st week of this effort, I put the egg into my mouth and upon its contact with my tongue I projectile vomited all over my mother. Needless to say, boiled eggs were never served again.

Is there a particular food that is constantly getting stuck in your beard?

Milk. Breakfast cereal is almost an impossibility for the bearded man. Milk is to beards what moths are to flames.

Is there anything a bearded man shouldn’t eat before going on stage and why?

Arsenic. For some reason bearded people really don’t react well to the poisonous qualities of arsenic. We often break out in death. So if you have a beard and a gig coming up, my advice is, don’t eat the arsenic. You’re welcome.

What has been your biggest cooking disaster to date? 

Well, I don’t really like to talk about it, but my bearded councilor says I need to, so here goes. I was camping with some friends on the Yorke Peninsula in S.A. when we decided to make some damper in the camp fire. It was upon raking the coals over the dough that a small ember landed in my beard and mildly singed it. I quickly put it out, but not before a few beard hairs were damaged. I have not been able to go camping ever since. Even now a tear wells in my eye and I grab at my thick, long beard that used to be slightly bigger and pain at what should never have happened.

What music do you play when you’re cooking?

When doing anything, I like to be listening to songs about beards. This is of course quite limiting, so I often end up listening to The Beards. If only other bands would sing songs about beards I could introduce some piquancy into my musical appetite.

If The Beards could invent a candy or chocolate bar what would it be?

A hair encrusted lollypop for which the stick was attached to a ginormous fake beard, giving the consumer either their 1^st beard, or if they already have one, 2 beards!

If you could request anything for your rider backstage at Queenscliff Music Festival, what would it be?

2 bearded chefs per member, (8 all up) with platters of steamed alfalfa sandwiches. A culinary offering that fully symbolizes the post-gig warmth and humidity of a sweaty beard – yum!

This is your last day on earth, what would your last breakfast be?

Breakfast cereal. I would get a big mixing bowl and a ladle and just pour the cooling milk all over my face, unabashedly grunting with hedonistic delight.