In case you’ve been living under a rock, ex-Silverchair drummer, Bento solo artist, and “Johnny fuckin’ Depp” lookalike Ben Gillies has made an unexpected cameo appearance in the brilliant new television series The Real Housewives of Melbourne, alongside his psychic wife, Jackie.
A major plot point for the rockstar couple throughout the show was the launch of their line of pre-mixed cocktails, La Mascara, an idea that came to Jackie with the help of angels. Reality TV, you guys.
Here at Tone Deaf headquarters we’re the first to admit we’re completely obsessed with #teamGina RHOM, so when we found out that La Mascara had arrived at the bottle shop down the road, we just had to go buy one. Actually, all three flavours. All of the La Mascaras.
We then gathered around eight of our bravest staff in the office to taste-test each of the three drinks – Raspberry & Lime Cosmo, Coffee Martini, and Cloudy Apple & Mint Mojito – just to see what Ben Gillies’ latest business venture was all about. Not only that, we’ve selected the Silverchair song to soundtrack each beverage (eg. “come on/abuse me more/I like it”).
Without further ado, let the taste-testing begin. Bottoms up, Chyka.
Raspberry & Lime Cosmo
Initial reaction:
When it hit:
What we said:
- “It’s like flavoured cough syrup.”
- “It tastes like I just ate a bag of stock standard chemist store jelly beans, urinated it back into a cup, and drank it.”
- “It’s like water mixed with alcohol mixed with a single jellybean.”
- “Chyka said it was her favourite. Chyka lied to me.”
- “It has a really familiar smell…”
If it were a Silverchair song:
Coffee Martini
Initial reaction:
When it hit:
What we said:
- “It smells like coffee. That’s a good sign.”
- “You know what, this is actually pretty good.”
- “It’s stripping my teeth…”
- “It’s liquid sugar with a drop of coffee – fine by me.”
- “Why is it so slimy? It’s like velvety mud.”
- “It’s seriously like I got the drip tray from the coffee machine, poured the charred leftovers into a glass, and took a shot of it.”
If it were a Silverchair song:
Cloudy Apple & Mint Mojito
Initial reaction:
When it hit:
What we said:
- “Listerine. Watered down listerine.”
- “It reminds me of that mouthwash they give you at the dentist.”
- “I really like it.”
- “It smells like the thing you leave inside your toilet to keep it clean.”
- “Easily the worst.”
- “I feel like the opposite of an international rockstar right now.”
- “This is definitely the best one.”
If it were a Silverchair song:
The Verdict – Staff Vote
Overall winner: Espresso Martini.
Six said it was the best, two said it was the worst. Final score: 4/8.
Second place: Raspberry & Lime Cosmo:
No-one said it was the best, one said it was the worst. Final score: -1/8.
The worst: Cloudy Apple & Mint Mojito:
Two said it was the best, five said it was the worst, one is still in the bathroom. Final score: -3/8.
Sorry Ben and Jackie, but La Mascara definitely didn’t make us shine shine shine.
