It’s hardly the first time a musician has cried foul over some troubling airline service, whether its artists having their instruments refused or damaged, but in this instance, it was over something far less essential: a sandwich.

Singer-songwriter Missy Higgins has landed herself in the media spotlight overnight, but not for the ARIA Award-winner’s music, but for her stance on vegetarian options available to in-air passengers.

The 30-year-old took to her personal Facebook page last night to offer a bizarre, lengthy open letter about the limited vegetarian menu items available on a recent Qantas flight, writing that non-carnivores were not “granted respect” or “even the slightest consideration in the taste department.”

Higgins’ piece begins: “While most celebrities are writing open letters to each other about such important issues as gender equality, racism and cultural appropriation, I’m writing to you from the comfy seat of my Qantas flight from Alice Springs to Melbourne, about something dear to me heart: margarine.”

Presumably heading back from performing at the Mbantua Festival, the Gold Frequent Flyer (obviously) then cheekily writes in all caps faux rage, lamenting the lack of spreads for her breads (a new song title, perhaps?) and the “insultingly tokenistic gesture” of a flavourless sandwich.

“I’m here to tell you, dear Qantas, that TWO PIECES OF DRY BREAD WITH A LIMP PIECE OF LETTUCE, TWO SLICES OF OLD RAW CAPSICUM, A MEASLY PIECE OF CUCUMBER AND THREE SLITHERS OF DRY CARROT DOES NOT A SANDWICH MAKETH!” laments the musician. “No butter, not even any margarine, and certainly no chutney, cheese or mustard, no siree.”

The post quickly steamrolled its way across social media, garnering over 1,300 comments and 7,600 ‘likes’, most of them split on Higgins’ Qantas attack – satire or otherwise – some commending her for taking a stance, others criticising the singer for the plush attitudes of her wordy “essay”.

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The Sydney Morning Herald soon picked up on the online momentum, publishing a story about Higgins’ grumbles with in-flight meals, writing of her offence at the lack of options available to those who “don’t deserve to be punished for not wanting to eat something that has mostly… spent the entirety of its life in a cage.”

In a follow-up post this afternoon linking to the SMH article, Higgins says her original rant was intended as satirical: “Oh for God’s sake, I was having a laugh people! Not a rant! Grow a sense of humour!”

Regardless, Qantas did in fact issue a reply to Higgins, noting they were grateful for the muso’s feedback. “Hi Missy. We would like all our customers – vegetarian, carnivorous and everyone in between – to be happy with the refreshment/meal they receive on their flight,” read the Qantas statement. “We can appreciate that vegetarians do have taste buds, and will pass this onto our menu planners as an insight. Thank you for passing this on, appreciate your feedback.”

In response, Higgins thanked the airline in kind, as well as “everyone that had a sense of humour enough to take my letter with a grain of salt (so to speak)! Just having fun and trying to get some butter on my bread while I’m at it. Love to you all, including those obviously having a bad day.”

Read Higgins’ full Qantas (non) rant below:

Dear Qantas food department,

While most celebrities are writing open letters to each other about such important issues as gender equality, racism and cultural appropriation, I’m writing to you from the comfy seat of my Qantas flight from Alice Springs to Melbourne, about something dear to me heart: margarine.

Because of my Gold Frequent flyer status, I’m right up the front in economy with plenty of leg room, which despite my embarrassingly short legs I’m still grateful for. What I’m not grateful for, however, is something that has been on on-going occurrence since I switched my food preferences to “vegetarian” on the Qantas website many years ago. See, despite the abysmal lack of taste-buds we vegetarians are assumed to possess, I’m here to tell you, dear Qantas, that TWO PIECES OF DRY BREAD WITH A LIMP PIECE OF LETTUCE, TWO SLICES OF OLD RAW CAPSICUM, A MEASLY PIECE OF CUCUMBER AND THREE SLITHERS OF DRY CARROT DOES NOT A SANDWICH MAKETH!!!! No butter, not even any margarine, and certainly no chutney, cheese or mustard, no siree. Let’s put a puny wad of dry salad ingredients between two slices of bread and call it a meal, those hippies won’t know the difference! They should be grateful we’re catering for them at all, who do they think they are not eating meat!

I’m curious, honestly I am, did anyone behind the scenes ever at any point consider what this insultingly tokenistic gesture you’re calling a sandwich might actually taste like? Even if we have actually, as you assume, happened to have killed off half our taste-buds by not consuming animal flesh (which as we know is the only food with any taste)?

As I look out my window now at the vast expanse of red sand below me I can’t help but thinking that if a rabbit, desperately lost and starving in the Sahara desert, stumbled upon this sandwich it would not give it a second sniff. Or perhaps it would, like me, nibble on it reluctantly with a downturned mouth and resentment in its fury little heart as it’s friends ate gourmet marinated chicken sandwiches around it.
Aaaaaaah come on, we don’t deserve to be punished for not wanting to eat something that has mostly likely (as I’m gathering Qantas does not purchase it’s meat from free-range, organic farmers?) spent the entirety of it’s life in a cage where it never sees daylight, cannot spread it’s wings, dust-bath or socialize as chickens love to do, and has most likely has been pumped full of hormones to make it grow twice the size of an adult chicken within it’s first four months before it is slaughtered.

Everyone has a right to decide what they eat, sure, but if we choose not to support this kind of farming shouldn’t we be granted due respect? And at the very least be served an alternative meal that has been given even the SLIGHTEST bit of consideration in the taste department. It can’t be too much to ask for you to slather a teeny bit of taste sauce on this handful of dry garden weeds I’m trying to swallow. Perhaps I could even be so bold as to request a bit of protein like my fellow flying mates too? You don’t want us vegos fading away, Qantas, we’re a good bunch, plus who’d be left to hug the trees, sing “kumbaya” and keep tie-dye in fashion?

Yours, in hopeful anticipation of just a wee bit of marg’…

Missy Higgins

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