Yesterday came a list of the greatest Aussie singers of all time, as voted by Australian singers themselves, as to had had the country’s best pipes, but today arrives another poll that’s situated at the opposite end of the musical spectrum.
Originally broadcast as a segment on current affairs program Today Tonight called ‘Hits & Misses’, Yahoo 7 News has put together a Top 10 List of the Worst Australian songs of all time, and while many of them were popular chart hits in their day, this motley crew of sonic sins have not aged well.
Speaking to the likes of Aussie music guru Molly Meldrum, Mushroom mogul Michael Gudinski, and music historian Glenn A Baker (as well as a range of “unnamed industry experts”), the list kickstarts with 70s titans Skyhooks, and their 1990 comeback single ‘Jukebox In Siberia’ at #10.
“Skyhooks song was number one on the charts but even that didn’t give it credibility,” says Glenn A Baker. Landing a live appearance on Hey Hey It’s Saturday, presumably via guitarist Red Symons – dressed in a tacky Russian cossack outfit – certainly couldn’t have helped their chances.”The problem with ‘Jukebox In Syberia’ was that there was a disappointment factor, I mean this was the mighty Skyhooks,” added Baker.
Jason Donovan’s ‘Too Many Broken Hearts’ follows at #9, the Stock, Aitken & Waterman-penned pop hit earning the then Neighbours star a UK #1 chart position, technically his second after his Kylie Minogue duet ‘Especially For You’, despite its chart success, there’s no doubting it marked the first of a legacy of Neighbours graduates with flash in the pan careers – Ms. Minogue being the exception to the rule. “There’s no doubt on the list of terrible or worst songs are a lot of novelty songs… they’re the ones that we can’t get out of our heads – and it drives us crazy.” – Glenn A Baker
Craig McLachlan was not. Having played Henry Ramsay, he of the denim overalls and permed mullet, on the popular Australian TV series, he
His 1990 single with Check 1 -2, ‘Mona’, lands just inside the Top 5 Worst Aussie Songs list at #4, earning him the penultimate spot on the UK charts and a bronze on the Australian singles chart.
Another TV soapie star, Sylvania Waters‘ Noeline Donaher clocks in back down the list at #8, with her teeth-grindingly cheesy single ‘No Regrets’, of which Molly Meldrum cheekily remarks, “this song surely has to be one of them.”
Following Donaher is hedonistic footballer Warwick Capper, the Sydney Swans full-forward having had a brief dalliance on the pop charts with his tune “I’ll Only Take What’s Mine”, which on the Worst Songs list is rank number seven.
Capper had a personality that grew beyond the AFL stadiums, agrees Frontier Touring and Mushroom boss Michael Gudinski, “media stars can get away with these sort of songs,” he defers, while commending Capper’s “nice shorts” in the single’s accompanying video.
Gudinski also showed affection for the performers of the sixth worst Aussie song on the list, Pseudo Echo with their internationally charting one-hit wonder ‘Funky Town’. “I think Pseudo Echo were a great band I could never put them in my worst list,” Gudinski said.
The New Wave Melbourne band’s 1986 cover of Lipps Inc.’s version managed to eclipse the original and give the band chart successes in Australia, New Zealand, US, and Canada.
Another chart-straddling hit, reaching #1 in 12 countries including Australia, was Joe Dolce’s 1980 novelty song ‘Shaddap You Face’, which sits at #5 on the worst songs list; “I defy anyone to say that chorus could leave them, it was a bit like a nursery rhyme,” A Baker said.
“To say it’s the worst song may be a bit harsh,” defends Gudinski, “it was certainly an absolutely stupid song, it was a catchy song, it was a lovable fun song and it was a number one song.”
The New Zealand-born, Sydney-spruiked model turned singer Collette Roberts takes out the #3 spot with 1989 one hit wonder ‘Ring My Bell’, while Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson – best known as the military crue-cut sporting guy who yelled ‘Oi!’ in the Energizer adverts of the 90s – claims the silver medal on the worst songs list with his ‘I’m An Individual’.
But the top gong for Australia’s worst ever song goes to then-14-year-old Nikki Webster, and her post-2000 Sydney Olympics one-hell wonder ‘Strawberry Kisses’.
“There’s no doubt on the list of terrible or worst songs are a lot of novelty songs,” says A Baker of the top spot, “because novelty songs by their very nature are big quirky, funny, humourous and they’re the ones that we can’t get out of our heads – and it drives us crazy.”
Novelty or no, the tween sensation’s debut single was yet another high chart performer, debuting at #2 on the ARIA singles Chart in 2001 and staying there for seven weeks, there’s no denying that many don’t miss Webster’s ‘Strawberry Kisses’.
So what does the list teach us about Australian music? Well that models and TV alumni make the best (re: worst) vehicles for pop songs, and that the 90s era recuperating from the 80s hangover was one everyone wants to best let go by.
You can view the Top 10 list in full below:
- Nikki Webster – ‘Strawberry Kisses’
- Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson – ‘I’m An Individual’
- Collette – ‘Ring My Bell’
- Craig McLachlan – ‘Mona’
- Joe Dolce – ‘Shaddap You Face’
- Pseudo Echo – ‘Funky Town’
- Warwick Capper – ‘I’ll Only Take What’s Mine’
- Nolene Donaher – ‘No Regrets’
- Jason Donovan – ‘Too Many Broken Hearts’
- Skyhooks – ‘Jukebox In Siberia’
