10. Neil Young
Neil Young almost disproved his theory that ‘rock and roll will never die’ when he released ‘Trans’ in 1982. The folk-icon (and later grunge icon) decided that Kraftwerk looked like they were having wayyyyy too much fun, and wanted to get into electronic music. Leave it to ze Germans Neil. With song names like ‘We R in Control’, ‘Computer Cowboy’, and ‘Sample and Hold’, a retro-futurism artwork, and a shiny new vocoder, Young certainly walked the walk, but it really led to an album that fans would rather wasn’t mentioned. He got it out of his system though, following it up with the Rockabilly album and a country album after that. Good to have you back Neil.
9. Mel B- AKA Scary spice
After the disintegration of the spice girls, Scary attempted a solo album but failed miserably, finally getting dumped by Virgin Records. Unfortunately her afro bounced her back and she put out another album. The album sales were dismal and she was widely criticised for using her offspring in her tacky and overly sentimental video clip. The times have changed, and it seems it’s only B-grade celebrity dumping-ground Dancing with the Stars and serial sperm-donor Eddie Murphy who still wanted a piece of her. After a bitter paternity battle, Murphy was forced to admit he was the father after a series of tests, and I bet it was the best mistake Mel B ever made.
8. Chevy Chase
Interesting fact: Chevy Chase was in the original line-up of Steely Dan. Quitting that was a wise career re-invention. As one of the original SNL cast members, he was the guy that said ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!’. Quitting that was not a wise career re-invention. Rather than sticking with it to really develop as a comedian/actor…for example John Belushi, Bill Murray, Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Tracy Morgan, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock… ok, you get the point…. Chevy decided to chase (gedit?) the buck, and went into the wide world on his own. A few successful roles certainly fed his wallet and nose (Vacation, Fletch, Caddyshack), but after passing on the role of Peter Venkman on Ghostbusters, his career kind of went nowhere. Cue sequels and direct to video releases. His more recent work hasn’t even been released in the US. It appears he didn’t learn a thing though, because he then passed on the voice of Buzz in Toy Story. And in case you were wondering, Comedian to Shmuck is a legitimate re-invention.
7. Michael Jordan
You know who Michael Jordan is. This is not going to be a sledge against his acting career, because Space Jam is The Balls. In 1994 Jordan decided to hang up his Nikes and become a professional baseball player (I suspect it was for his dislike of the letters ‘K’ and ‘T’). This in turn inspired Bill Murray to announce his retirement from acting to become a basketball star. Jordan joined Minor League team the Birmingham Barons and played for one season, before realising that baseball is really a terrible sport, and un-retired from Basketball a year later. Real sport fans would probably cite his move from the Bulls to the Washington Bullets as a worse career move, but this isn’t ESPN and that’s hardly as entertaining as the aforementioned ‘K’ and ‘T’ joke.
6. Peter Garrett
When Peter Garrett announced he was entering the political arena, it was no surprise to anyone. For almost 20 years he led Midnight Oil with his commanding voice, socially aware lyrics, and epilepsy influenced dancing. Songs tackled topics covering Nuclear Energy, Aboriginal rights, and Peter Brock, and Garrett was the president of the Australian Conservation Foundation for 16 years, and was on the international board of Greenpeace. Look out Fat Cats, there’s a new boy in town who’s rocking the political boat.
Ok, that didn’t happen. As soon as he joined the Labour party in 2004, he seemingly threw away his convictions faster than his joint with Daniel Johns in Bono’s bed (That actually happened). Nothing has been done to tackle any of his previous causes and even on the eve of the federal election, the only policy he seems to have is to Bring Back the Schnitz. I don’t even know what that means.
5. Prince/ The Artist Formally Known As Prince
After he changed his stage name to an unpronounceable symbol (or Love Symbol) in 1994 his career took a dive into the grave of popular 80’s stars who didn’t make it out alive. At this stage, he tried to put out a never-ending flow of albums in order to hurry along the end of his contract with Warner Bros, but ended up bamboozling people with too much crappy material. While the single ‘The Most Beautiful Girl in The World’ managed to garner some success, his subsequent releases were not so fortunate. The Artist Formally Known as Prince began a downward spiral into faltering record sales, loss of reputation and commercial success. From 2000 he changed his name back, and was back enjoying success with mainstream audiences, pumping his little crotch into loving audiences. He was even able to buy back his little red corvette.
4. Jennifer Grey
In Hollywood, a nose job is usually a rite of passage, if not a criteria, and like Tara Reid- everyone’s been there at least once.
But unfortunately the star of Dirty Dancing had such a botched nose job that she had to have another to fix it up. Consequently even her friends failed to recognise her afterwards. It was of course her rather prominent Jewish nose which distinguished her from the rest of the plastic-fantastic set of Hollywood actresses.
Grey has been quoted as saying “I’ll always be this once-famous actress nobody recognizes…because of a nose job”.
Sarah Jessica Parker on the other hand has clearly learnt from Grey’s mistake, becoming one of the richest noses of the Upper East Side without even spending a single cent on it.
3. Dee Dee Ramone AKA Dee Dee King
“I’m as cool as they come, you other rappers better run”.
In 1989, before leaving the Ramones, Dee Dee embarked on a brief hip hop career as rapper “Dee Dee King” with the album Standing in the Spotlight.
He went from a sneering punk innovator to a victim of his own grand delusion of becoming a rapper people take seriously.
The lyrics are laughable, and his outfits make him look like a paedophile posing as a teenage boy on an internet chat room. Quick! Someone sedate this man!
The media were equally as harsh, with one music critic saying that the album “will go down in the annals of pop culture as one of the worst recordings of all time”. Sadly, he’s absolutely right.
2. Smashing Pumpkins
When Smashing Pumpkins released Adore, Billy Corgan was so wrapped up in his vision of himself as an invincible genius that he believed he could successfully steer the band’s sound away from the guitar rock that made them great and toward an electronic sound driven by drum machines and synthesizers. Corgan wanted this album to have a larger, more universal appeal, and to possibly reach out to the untapped robot demographic.
While we won’t know how the robots feel about the Pumpkins’ work until long after Billy Corgan is dead, just about every human can agree it was awful. Drummer Jimmy Chamberlain was absent on this album, and the remaining members changed to a more gothic look, which presumably was meant to convey that the band was dead and needed to be buried before people passed out from the steaming stench of failure.
1. Tom Cruise
Rated in People Magazines 50 most beautiful people 3 times. Nominated for 3 Academy awards. Winner of 3 Golden Globes. Married to 3 successful actresses, and has a day dedicated to him in Japan (October 10 if you’re wanting to organise a bbq). What could possibly go wrong?
Well, you could become the Archduke of Crazy, that’s a start.
Since Tom Cruise started spruiking the benefits of Sci-Fi author worship, he has gone from box office gold to box office aluminium. Paramount Pictures severed its 14-year relationship, and he was voted the celebrity people would least like as their best friend. People just don’t want a 48 year old midget jumping on their couch.
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