It’s that time of year again, when music fans leave their usual good taste at the door and hit the couch or indeed hit a party as they take in the ultimate musical car crash that is known as the Eurovision Song Contest. Admittedly, for better or worse, the contest has bequeathed the world ABBA, as well as taTu. However, let’s forget the occasionally worthy moments they have produced. Slip into your favourite traditional European ethnic costume, pile up a plate with Oma’s strudel and hand around shots of Opa’s backyard brewed Jagermeister. This year the Eurovision Song Contest is being held in Dusseldorf in Germany and to help you prepare for it, we’ re going to you relive some of the most buttock clenchingly awful moments of Eurovision through the years.
Jordan
British ‘glamour model’ Jordan launched a bid to represent Britain at the 2005 contest. She didn’t even get to represent the UK she was so bad, however it would be remiss of us to not include her in a “worst of Eurovision’. Peter Andre’s now ex wife appeared heavily pregnant and clad in hot pink latex during the selection finals and still wonders why no-one voted for her. It possibly had more to do with the fact that she couldn’t sing either.
Black Lace – Mary Ann
Black Lace performed the abomination that was ‘Mary Ann’ representing the UK at Eurovision in 1979. The extent of the tragedy was not realised until the band released the song ‘Agadoo’ which was a worldwide hit and thus we are all permanently scarred by it.
Burak Aydos – Esmir Yarim
Burak Aydos entered this little ditty as Turkey’s effort in 1993’s Eurovision contest. It was, well, a turkey. Apart from looking like a low rent street hustler resembling George Michael …hang on wait – how is that possible, you ask – the song bore more than a passing resemblance to George Michael’s ‘Faith’. Except it was crap in every way imaginable.
Dustin The Turkey – Irlande Douze Pointe
Ireland’s entry in 2008 was allegedly supposed to protest the block voting by Eastern Bloc countries looking after themselves and their neighbours in the contest. So those crazy Paddies sent a puppet as their entry. Which was just plaintively shit.
Alexander Rybak – Fairytale
This bastard child of Riverdance and The Corrs escaped out of the forests of Norway in 2009 and won the goddamn contest. For added credibility if you can bear to sit all the way through to 1.54 in the clip, you will see that the leprechaun singer has actually broken the string on his violin bow. Rock n’ roll!
Les Humphries Singers – Sing Sang Song
West Germany’s 1976 entry adds new meaning to the old cliché ‘those crazy Germans’. Take four men and two woman who’ve been given a severe seeing to with the ugly stick and then stick ‘em in Barry Manilow outfits to repeat ad nauseum the same three words. If you’re at a loss for words, don’t worry so are we.
Scooch – Flying The Flag (For You)
This abomination was seriously the United Kingdom’s entry in 2007, and possibly the worst of a litany of the UK’s execrable entries. Basically it’s a gay airline hostie musical fantasy and the tongue in cheek title is as camp as you can get. (Remove the ‘L’ from Flag’ … think about it).
PingPong – Sameyakh
Israel’s 2000 entry consisted of what appeared to be a transvestite (with admittedly great legs) backed by a bunch of clowns prancing around. While such behaviour is not unusual in Eurovision, the fact that none of them could hold a tune in a wheelbarrow made it all the more excruciating.
Krassimir Avramov – Illusion
Bulgaria’s 2009 entry actually reflected the largely rural population of the country, with a couple of ‘singers’ screeching along like banshees performing traditional Bulgarian goat herder yodelling to the backing of a cheesy euro-doof soundtrack.
Gina G – Ooh Ahh (Just A Little Bit)
With so many to choose from, it’s very tough to choose the worst Eurovision entry of all time. So it’s with a bit of patriotic pride that we nominate the UK’s 1996 entry by Gina G, who was actually an Aussie, as the worst Eurovision entry of all time. Come back Holly Valance, all is forgiven!
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