The good old Christmas album, much like Christmas itself, is mostly all about the money.
Artists don’t pump out generic covers of carols because they love Christmas – they do it because Christmas albums are the literally the gift that keeps on giving for musicians, a near guarantee of continuous sales years after its initial release. Unless, of course, they’re crap.
With December 25th fast approaching, we decided to look at the strangest, most unexpected Christmas albums around. It gets pretty weird.
Various Artists – We Wish You A Metal Christmas And A Headbanging New Year
If you ever needed proof that Christmas could be badass than leave it to the best rockers on the planet to deliver the answer in spades. Twelve of your favourite carols have been transformed into devilish soundscapes with each track worked on by a supergroup of metal heads.
Everyone from Alice Cooper to Anthrax’s Scott Ian appear in what is undoubtedly the darkest version of Christmas carols yet.
Bob Dylan – Christmas In The Heart
Bob Dylan might not have the classic makings of a clichéd caroller – that ashy voice can’t really sound merry and, you know, Jewish-born – but Dylan being the antithesis of the Christmas spirit is exactly what makes Christmas In The Heart an intriguing listen.
Plus, unlike most other artists this one wasn’t a cheap cash grab – all of the sales loyalties were donated to three charities (Feeding America, Crisis, and the World Food Programme).
Various Artists – Christmas On Death Row
“On the first day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me/A sack of the krazy glue and told me to smoke it slowly,” so goes Snoop Dogg inChristmas On Death Row’s most well known joint ‘Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto’.
Prior to the release of the legendary LA record label Death Row’s holiday album, no-one probably ever thought Christmas- flavoured rap could exist. Stuffed to the brim with R&B versions of old classics like ‘Silent Night’ and ‘White Christmas’, this one sees Father Claus go gangster.
Afroman – A Colt 45 Christmas
If a little kid accidentally stumbled upon Afroman’s A Colt 45 Christmas, their innocence would be forever tarnished. Take just one look at the track-listing and you know what kind of ride you’re in for – ‘Deck The Halls’ becomes ‘Deck My Balls’, ‘Oh Christmas Tree’ is turned into ‘O Chronic Tree’, and on ‘A Strainj Poem’ Afroman raps about ‘Miss Claus in court/Fillin’ child support”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wls9z-460Y4
The Flaming Lips – Christmas On Mars
Seven years in the making, Christmas On Mars stands as The Flaming Lips’ weirdest, most bizarro creation to date – their own holy grail, of sorts.
The movie, that comes with a killer accompanying score, features one of the bands’ multi-instrumentalists as an astronaut on Mars who tries to bring Christmas to the red planet, it’s an acid trip of alien visuals, ridiculous costumes and psychedelic madness. In other words, it’s exactly what you’d expect from a The Flaming Lips sci-fi film.
Ali Lohan – Lohan Holiday
What better way to make your own family Christmas lunch seem a little bit more sane than with the notoriously dysfunctional Lohan clan singing ‘Silent Night’ in strained, forced unison? The Lohan family’s marketing machine attempted to use Lohan Holiday to launch the career of Ali – Lindsay’s younger, irrelevant sister – but obviously things never turned out to plan.
Keeping in mind this album dropped in 2006, less than a year after Lindsay’s dramatic ‘Confessions of a Broken Heart’ single which opened up her daddy issues to the world, you can almost hear the awkward tension in the air whenever parents Dina and Michael make a cameo over Ali’s overproduced 13-year-old vocals. At least it’ll make your Christmas more jolly by comparison.
Bad Religion – Christmas Songs
A very atheist punk band making an album about the birth of Christ is a bit of an eyebrow raiser, and it’s made even stranger considering they play all these holiday carols (minus ‘White Christmas’, which they play as their own ‘American Jesus’) as they are, leaving the religious references respectfully intact. The band say “of course” there’s an element of irony, but they also just really enjoy Christmas.
William Hung – Hung For The Holidays
Not even including the glaring euphemism in the title, there’s so much wrong with this. William Hung is an ex-American Idol contestant who became the laughing stock of the competition with his awful audition back in 2004, but he successfully turned that momentum into selling 200,000 copies of his debut album, Inspiration.
Hung For The Holidaysdidn’t do so well but still managed to rake in a mind-blowing 35,000 copies – proving there’s a market for just about anything.
Imagene Peise — Atlas Eets Christmas (The Flaming Lips)
Released in extremely limited physical numbers Wayne Coyne and co didn’t have the season of giving in mind for their fans when this record was released in 2007.
They kept it a secret at the time although over the years the band has started to mention the album via social media. It’s the Christmas album you knew the Lips had in them; a psychedelic and twisted take on the carol classics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85A62saUPHk&list=PLDk8UPWIHHSiWS9bHLyYup7XOAiyMLP9T
Crazy Frog – Crazy Hits (Crazy Christmas Edition)
Of fucking course the Crazy Frog has a Christmas album. The poster boy of Jamster – that company who made a killing scamming pre-teens with Motorola Razr’s in monthly $8 increments – released this Christmas-ified version of his 2005 compilation album in a #very #subtle attempt to cash in on the holiday spirit.
The only difference between the two albums is that this one includes a cover of Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’, which is just a generic karaoke cover featuring barely any of the Crazy Frog’s ear-scratching auto-tune wail. Still, 12-year-olds worldwide would’ve begged to get this under their tree.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKtQcPuF1X0
