Reality television can be a dark, strange place, but every healthy diet should include a bit of good old fashioned hate-watching, and as far as guilty pleasures go, there’s nothing more guilty or pleasing than watching cringeworthy moments on TV singing competitions.
And so we embarked down a dangerous YouTube hole to put together some of the hardest moments to watch in reality TV history.
From singing contestants having full-blown meltdowns to moments on Australian Idol that helped define a nation, prepare to cringe.
One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson’s Awful Audition
If you didn’t know that Louis Tomlinson went on to become one-fifth of the X Factor-spawned boy band One Direction, you would think that this audition clip is of a tone deaf teenager with a sob story who, sadly, didn’t quite have the vocal pipes to cut it.
Tomlinson’s rendition of Plain White T’s ‘Hey There Delilah’ is flat as a fucking tack, and this is the same guy who’s currently getting paid millions of dollars a year for his “singing”. Simon Cowell honestly couldn’t find someone better?
Cosima DeVito’s Dramatic Withdrawal From Australian Idol
It was the moment that stopped a nation – do you remember where you were when Cosima DeVito pulled out of Australian Idol because of a sore throat?
It was a dramatic night that went down in Australian television history. A broken down Cosima – then favourite to take out the inaugural season of Australian Idol over Guy Sebastian and Shannon Noll – reading her shock farewell speech from a crumpled note; the suspenseful tune that they saved exclusively for evictions adding tension in the background; a live audience left broken empty in despair.
It’s incredibly melodramatic, but let’s be honest at the time you were probably screaming out “Go Cosima!” from your couch like everyone there. Iconic.
Douche Lord Dean Ray’s Cringe-Worthy Introduction Tape
Three words: you fucking hero.
Dean Ray, the runner-up of this year’s Australian X Factor, is so nauseatingly pretentious you think it must be some kind of act. Talking about how he ran away from home at 15 so he could “earn the right to be a man” by his 18th birthday, the guy talks as if Chris McCandless from Into The Wild when really he’s taking part in the most commercial reality competition on Australian television.
“I wanted to go broke, and I wanted to starve,” he says, bragging about his voluntary homelessness like it’s an edgy lifestyle choice and unwittingly embodying everything that’s wrong with middle-class white male privilege. You kind of wait for him to break character and start laughing, but he’s completely serious.
It’s almost annoying that he can sing.
P!nk Lookalike Zoe Alexander’s Explosive, Breaking-Shit Meltdown
Going 0-100 real quick way before Drake ever did was Zoe Alexander, the P!nk “tribute artist” who wanted to “get away from the P!nk thing” and build her own identity as a solo act, but thought it would be a good idea to audition with a P!nk song.
Zoe starts off as a sweet contestant the crowd is rooting for, but when things go sour and the judges aren’t really feeling it, things really go sour.
Her meltdown is iconic. Excuses are made, a microphone is thrown, her dad joins her onstage and together they look like they’re going to cobble someone, and then she storms backstage to punch cameramen and break things. If it wasn’t already hilarious enough, it’s all heightened by some seriously on-point dramatic music.
American Idol Contestant Insults, Arguably Owns Demi Lovato
“That’s why you use auto-tune and I don’t.”
This next contestant wasn’t too happy about getting rejected, and stripped of all his shame he decided to throw caution to the wind and go out with a bang. He threw that ~sick burn~ at Demi Lovato, who couldn’t even articulate a comeback, while it made Simon nearly choke on his strategically placed Pepsi.
At the same time, you know that if things had gone differently for this guy he would’ve been lapping it up. It’s only when he gets rejected that he acts like he’s above it. You’re the one that chose to try out for the X Factor, m8.
Dicko Tells Paulini To “Shed Some Pounds”
If there was another moment that burnt a permanent hole in Australia’s collective consciousness it was Dicko’s brutal comments to Paulini about the #iconic gold satin mermaid dress she wore for her performance of Destiny Child’s ‘Survivor’.
Apparently Dicko still hasn’t apologised to Paulini for degrading her on live television. If there’s one lesson he taught her that day, it’s that this is the real world, and in the music industry there’s always going to old white crustaceans dictating what women should look like.
Ablisa’s Legendary Punch-Up
By the end of Abby and Lisa’s audition, the two Little Britain caricatures spiral from best friends to boxing foes in spectacular car crash fashion. After the taller one arcs up to the audience and slags off Dannii Minogue, the shorter one decides to be ~the hero~ and ~the voice of the people~ and punches her friend in the face, and in doing so, forever tearing apart the awful portmanteau that was Ablisa. RIP.
Iconic.
Ryan Seacrest Tries To High-Five A Blind Contestant
The next time you think you’ve done something socially awkward, just think about the time Ryan Seacrest went to high-five a blind person on television. He eventually got there in the end but not without looking like a huge dick in the process.
And now, in Vine form:
Reality TV, you guys.
Britney Spears Impersonator Lorna Bliss Makes Us Wish The World Was Ending
Finally to round off this wrap is the unforgettable Miss Lorna Bliss aka the saddest Britney Spears you’ll ever see.
Remember poor Brit’s public meltdown period from 2007-2009? Lorna has essentially given us a dance interpretation of those few years in under five minutes.
Turns out this isn’t her first TV appearance (and probably won’t be her last) Lorna Bliss, Brit has come a long way of late, 2008 was a long time ago – time to move on and LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
Yo (the real) Brit, what are your vibes on this hot mess?
