The ARIAs are everyone’s favourite love-to-hate awards show. They’re the perfect target for our nation’s chronic tall poppy syndrome, and the (few) people who actually watch the show mainly do it for their own cynical pleasure.

That, or you get a message from your editor just before the show starts telling you you’ve been given the glorious honour of watching the three-hour televised broadcast to write a recap.

Keeping in mind that the ARIAs are best enjoyed with a hint of sarcasm, a glass of whisky and a hunger for awkward, cringeworthy television, these were the most important takeaway moments from the night. You’re welcome.

Sia Was The Night’s Big Winner, Gave All Her ARIAs Away On Twitter

Not that it needed to be repeated, but Sia’s cleanup of the ARIAs last night confirmed that 2014 was the year of the blonde bob.

The songwriting mastermind cracked the code for pop success yet again with her superb sixth studio album, 1000 Forms Of Fear, a career-changing opus of perfectly-penned anthems like the viral catharsis of ‘Chandelier’ that, when combined with a genius stroke of marketing that saw Sia actively striving to become the world’s first anonymous pop star, the 38-year-old’s unique and uncanny approach to pop managed to be genuinely ‘weird’ enough to capture the world’s attention and bury its way down our collective consciousness; culminating in 1000 Forms eventually going on to debut at #1 in the US Charts.

Rightfully so, Sia was rewarded for her efforts with four pointy ARIAs – Album Of The Year, Best Female Artist, Best Pop Release, and Best Video – making her the biggest winner of the night.

It was a pity for the viewer then that the notoriously camera shy singer stuck to her brand and chose not to make an appearance at the awards show, and because the producers chose to only air one of Sia’s four pre-recorded acceptance videos, it meant everyone there and at home felt a little snubbed.

But this morning, “saddened to be getting shit for being a ‘no-show'”, Sia stuck up her middle finger in the most spectacular fashion by giving all her awards away on Twitter, and perhaps showing once and for all just how much artists really care about the ARIAs.

… But It Was Matt Okine’s Sia Costume That We’ll Never Forget

Sia might not have been there in person but at least we had the next best thing. Or worst.

When Triple J’s breakfast champions Matt and Alex arrived at the Opera House dressed respectively as Sia and Chet Faker – possibly the only slightly entertaining thing to happen in the soul-crushing red carpet segment – no-one could shield their eyes quick enough from the horrifying, definitely-not-G-rated budgie Matt was smuggling in his nude leotard.

Even the real Chet Faker was distracted by Okine’s get-up, the bearded crooner getting distracted mid-acceptance speech when claiming one of his two awards for the night, telling the crowd, “There’s a dude in spandex next to me and I can see his junk.”

Cannot. Unsee.

Independent Music Cleaned Up Big, Led By Chet Faker

While the ARIAs is usually seen as a horn-tooting contest between the country’s most mainstream artists, as we pointed out earlier that trend was bucked big time in 2014 thanks to some of our most prominent independent artists.

An impressive seven of the night’s major awards were won by titles released through indie labels, including Hilltop Hood and Walking Under The Star for Best Urban Release, Dan Sultan and Blackbird for Best Rock Album, Sheppard and Bombs Away for Best Group, Peking Duk’s ‘High’ for Best Dance Release, and DZ Deathray’s Black Rat for Best Hard Rock/Heavy Metal Album.

Meanwhile, bearded bro Chet Faker officially took out Best Independent Release (and Best Male Artist) with Built On Glass.

Molly Meldrum Was Inducted Into The Hall Of Fame

Molly Meldrum was this year’s inductee into the ARIA Hall of Fame, hailed for his work pioneering Australian music television with his industry-changing show that stopped a nation every Sunday night at 6pm, Countdown.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when an emotional Meldrum – who’s still recovering from his near fatal ladder fall earlier this year – told the audience, “I am just like everyone in this room. I am here because I love music.”

The 71-year-old graciously used his moment to spare a thought for Australian cricketer Phil Hughes, holding back tears as he wished the sportsman a speedy recovery from his brain injuries. A classy gesture from true music royalty.

Dan Sultan Finally Got The Mainstream Recognition He Deserves

We don’t bother making it a secret that we’re big Dan Sultan fans in the Tone Deaf office, so one of the night’s biggest faith-restoring moments of the night was seeing Dan showered with praise on a mainstream stage.

Sultan won Best Rock Album for his excellent third studio album Blackbird, which our reviewer wrote “epitomises everything a good Australian rock album should be.”

Later in the night, Sultan played ‘Under Your Skin’ from his award-winning record and proved why he’s known as one of the country’s most consistent, impressive performers.

Even the lads of One Direction were loving themselves some Sultan, as spotted by News Corp journalist Cameron Adams.

There Still Isn’t A Big Enough Focus On Australian Talent

It’s the same complaint that floods Twitter feeds each and every year: the ARIAs simply aren’t Australian enough for an awards show dedicated to celebrating Aussie music.

On paper it doesn’t look too bad – eight of the night’s live performances were Australian. But the whole things feels like a bit of a cop out when its biggest advertised draw cards are two international artists, Katy Perry and One Direction, who are the Logies’ sloppy seconds from 2011 and 2012, respectively.

While ratings are obviously the main motivator for the organisers’ lazy bookings, it does come across like a big slap in the face to our local artists. It’s ultimately overshadowing local music with two out-of-place pop acts who only agreed to come over so they can pocket a fat cheque.

The money couldn’t have gone towards making Iggy Azalea fly straight back from the American Music Awards? Sia couldn’t be convinced to come with a paper bag on her head? What about tapping into teen heartthrob Troy Sivan’s massive following?

Australia doesn’t have its own Katy Perry or One Direction, and it’s unfortunate the ARIAs aren’t convinced that they can attract big enough ratings without selling our Australian artists short.

The ‘Best Urban Album’ Category Feels Especially Out Of Touch

 

It’s easy to criticise ARIA’s choice in nominations – Justice Crew being considered for Song Of The Year is one of the many easy things we could all bash from our high horses – but there’s no award more glaringly outdated than the awkwardly-titled Best Urban Album category.

2014 has been a breakthrough year for Australian hip hop, but it wasn’t even close to being reflected at the ARIAs.

This year we’ve seen the genre forming a strong new identity, spearheaded by the likes of REMi, who we called the most “admirably confident [and] accessibly progressive” Australian artist in and outside of hip hop, Tkay Maidza in whom Australia has found their answer to Azealia Banks, or the smooth sounds of 17-year-old prodigy Baro. And that doesn’t even begin to scrape the surface.

If the ARIAs want to stay #relevant, they need to do better to keep up with our music scene’s fast-beating pulse. 

Katy Perry Literally Did Nothing

In the buildup to the night, then on the red carpet, and then throughout the night before every single ad break, Katy Perry’s grand appearance was hyped as one of the night’s star attractions. But in the end she was just one of the night’s biggest anticlimaxes.

After being constantly promised that she was just around the corner, it turns out Katy wasn’t even there as a performer, but just a presenter. Why someone would put themselves through going to the ARIAs without even flogging their latest single seems like a mystery, but after losing count of the number of times they played the ad for the singer’s new perfume, it became pretty clear she was getting that #promo elsewhere.

All Perry ended up actually doing was accepting Sia’s award for Best Female Artist on her behalf and then pulling some cracker jokes that made appeals to our sense of true blue ‘Strayan nationalism.

“I have been touring this wonderful country for a few weeks, I am now an honorary Australian,” the singer said, a sentiment we hope is still true in the face of her much-publicised disputes with intrusive local paparazzi that soured her trip Down Under.

“No longer will I spread butter on my bread, I will use Vegemite, no longer will eat plain old chicken, I will eat kangaroo… Actually, that’s disgusting,” she quipped, before making her exit from the stage and getting the fuck out of the country.

And Even One Direction Were Sick Of The Screaming

If you don’t already find watching the ARIAs painful enough, it certainly wasn’t made easier by the constant squealing of pre-teen girls hoping to catch a glimpse of 1D or 5Sos; a deafening sound that permanently droned away in the foreground like a swarm of mosquitos thirsty for blood.

As Buzzfeed point out, even (or especially) One Direction’s Liam Payne was sick of the bullshit. His face between photos pretty much sums up the ARIAs as whole.  

Same Liam. Same.

And that, friends, signals the end of another ARIAs. Only 364 days until next year.

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