Looking to head to the Californian desert this April to help fly the flag for Aussie acts like Flume, Jagwar Ma, The Preatures, and Empire Of The Sun on the massive Coachella 2014 lineup?
Well, if you’re a vaguely enthusiastic festival-goer who’s “approximately 30% bro… 7.5% hipster/indie, 12.5% raver and 50% normal” with a matching male companion (sorry, ladies), then you may want to apply as one of ‘2 Coachella Boyfriends’ being advertised for online.
Yes, really.
Famed feminist website Jezebel has picked up on a Craiglist post entitled, ‘Needed: 2 Coachella Boyfriends for weekend 1’ that is advertising for a pair of budding chaperones that meet a long-winded list of outlandish specifications and requirements.
Describing themselves as “2 fun-loving girls” who have (presumably) scored tickets to the first massive Coachella weekend (April 11th-13th), the Craigslist post details that:
“Interested parties should be ready to embark on the adventure as Coachella partners-in-crime and stand-in Coachella Boyfriends. Said girls have gone to Coachella several times and will be going again with a larger group of friends so applicants should play nice with others.”
Not only do male suitors have to be socially amiable, but they also have to very specific tastes in music, willing to spend time watching “Outkast, Adventure Club, Zedd, Fatboy Slim, Big Gigantic, Kid Cudi, Calvin Harris, Elli Goulding [sic], Gareth Emery, Alesso, Lorde, Duck Sauce, Showtek.” (Sorry, no Aussie support after all.)
An additional clause strictly rules out anyone “with an affinity for AFI (aka whiney ass bitch music).” In fact, the Coachella-bound lasses have a very precise character type in mind. Specifically:
“General personality and character should be represented by approximately 30% bro (don’t lie, there is a little of it in all of you — just admit it to yourself and save us the time), 7.5% hipster/indie, 12.5% raver and 50% normal.”
Even if you’re the kind of ‘bro’ whose Spotify playlists and multiple personality disorder ticks the above boxes, you’ve still got to pass the girls’ hurdles to satisfy for Coachella Boyfriend status.
Among the long list of ridiculously picky must-haves (“24 years or older, 6 feet tall, Current San Francisco resident, stamina and ability to carry a girl on your shoulders”) the advertisement paints a pretty clear picture of the kind of festival experience the two girls are looking for. Applicants must “know how to handle their shit”, embrace “morning day-drinking” and exercise a good shower regimen. Oh, and bonus points for “above-bar beer pong skills.”
Still pass muster? Congratulations! “To apply please email us your name, a picture, a short description of why you are interested in being a Coachella Boyfriend, and top 3 Coachella acts you’d like to see.”
Only – you can’t. For better or worse, the Craiglist advert has since been flagged for removal. Now we’ll never know if the post was a brilliantly executed exercise in social media irony, an elborate prank (our money’d be on Jimmy Kimmel), or a genuine and severely shallow offer.
Heck, maybe the two ladies already found their Coachella Boyfriends. But if you’re headed to Coachella this April and happen to catch a pair of 6 foot tall, 24-year-old San Francisco bros with dames on their shoulders making a drunken dash from Outkast to catch the last of ‘Royals’, give us a bell.
Actually, never mind, judging by past audiences that’s nearly 1 in 3 punters.
View the full Coachella 2014 Lineup here and the Tone Deaf Festival Guide to the US festival here.
