It’s no mystery that Miss Kylie Minogue, Princess of Australia, has an absolute galaxy worth of hits that she’s been relentlessly blessing upon us over the years, but what does your favourite track of hers say about you?
To celebrate the only woman alive who could release a Greatest Hits album every year and change the songs on the tracklist each time, I’ve gathered the most essential hits from her discography to identify who you really are. No questions asked, this personality test is greater than anything the zodiac will tell you, but of course I’m saying that, I’m a Sagittarius.
Without further ado, here’s the list. Time to uncover the crevices of your soul and embrace the new you.
‘In Your Eyes’
You don’t get stared at from across the room on the dance floor, you’re the one in the middle of the floor staring at everyone with lustful eyes. You’re just THAT hot.
‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’
Not only are you gay as hell, but you think Stonewall is the greatest nightclub in all of Australia. ARQ is soooo 2018.
Music gives you motion sickness.
‘Love At First Sight’
You don’t break hearts, you get your heart broken. But hey, you just LOVE love.
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We get it, you have sex. Stop telling all your friends about it oh my God.
‘All the Lovers’
Professional orgy host.
‘I Believe In You’
“Can’t Get You Out of My Head is overrated and everyone who loves it doesn’t know where Kylie’s REAL talent lies. The whispers in this song send SHIVERS down my spine.” – You, probably
‘In My Arms’
You know how to have a good time and literally every party should have you invited or they’re just missing out.
‘On A Night Like This’
You really love New Year’s Eve, and the year that Kylie hosted the fireworks show drove you IN-SANE.
‘Your Disco Needs You’
You have some insatiable lust for the ’70s that cannot be contained. You also probably have a poster of The Village People that you pray to somewhere in your home.
God you really are a seductress aren’t you. Can I give you my number? Is it hot in here or is it just you?
‘Red Blooded Woman’
Red Wine gives you that kind of buzz that White Wine just could never, so you’re strictly on the reds at all occasions.
Babe, what can I say. You have TASTE.
‘Come Into My World’
At some point, you realised Kylie has too many hits and you couldn’t pick just one, so you just closed your eyes and picked the underdog.
Soft drinks get you higher than any drug could ever. You’re absolutely twitching for a Pepsi as we speak. You wish your taps shot out sparkling water.
‘Get Outta My Way’
You just love chairs. Home decor is your forte and you have no qualms about letting the world know.
Your ears are clogged and need to be checked immediately.
At some point in your life, you’ve wanted Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams to be your parents.
‘Better The Devil You Know’
While everyone at the club is confused as to what this BOP is, you know, and RUSH to the dancefloor to celebrate it in all it’s glory because my GOD it’s incredible.
‘I Should Be So Lucky’
You’re so happily single it’s infectious. And if you’re not, by God you want to be after meeting Fabio the bartender and thinking about him ever since that fated encounter.
You’ll fight to the death for this song. You just want to party and nobody will stop you goddammit.
When your train is delayed by 40 minutes, you don’t care, because the mere thought of your favourite public transport soon arriving fills you with pure ecstasy. You’re more than happy to wait for that rush of the many wheeled beast pulling in to your station. Also, fuck buses.
‘Give Me Just A Little More Time’
Every night, without fail, you put one palm to your forehead and faint onto your bed dramatically, then let out a huge sigh into your empty bedroom chambers.
‘Never Too Late’
You’ve never owned a watch in your life and by God, you won’t start now.
You’ve had your Christmas tree up since July.
‘I Was Gonna Cancel’
You’re the reliable friend that everyone can count on. Everyone could do with a bit more of you in their life.
Everywhere you walk you’re imagining that you’re on a catwalk and it’s intimidating.
‘Confide In Me’
You’re not a spy okay you’re just scaring everyone with those speculative eyes of yours.
‘Tears On My Pillow’
You just love a good cry. In fact, you’re crying while reading this.
You own like seven cowboy hats because you STAY ready for the occasion when you’ll need them. At least three are glittery.
‘Stop Me From Falling’
Horse lover who never quite got over their obsession with ponies.
Neighbours from the ’90s onwards just wasn’t the same.