Vampire Weekend are the indie band’s indie band. A bookish collective of smart, savvy New Yorkers who have become synonymous with natty cross-cultural references and well-read lyricism as much as their spry guitar pop.

That’s been the case ever since the critical elite labelled their eponymous 2008 debut album, “the indie Graceland.” So two albums and several years later, who better to tackle a crossover piece on one of the year’s biggest releases than the frontman of the Australia-bound indie rock quartet?

That’s what the fine folks at The Talkhouse engineered, or at least attempted to. From the team that brought you Lou Reed’s must-read review of Kanye West’s Yeezus, comes Ezra Koenig’s “10 outta 10” appraisal of Nothing Was The Same, the recently released album from Canadian alt-hip hop star Drake. Except that the Vampire Weekend kind of arrives at reviewing the album… by not reviewing it.

Unlike the grizzled Reed’s glowing appraisal of the self-proclaimed ‘world’s biggest rock star’, in which he dutifully picked apart Yeezus – flaws and all – to explain its unique achievements, the Vampire Weekend frontman doesn’t quite go to the same lengths in his nearly 1,200 word Drake write-up.

In fact, the 29-year-old indie pin-up takes the much much less conventional route travelled and begins by admitting, “I gotta be honest — I didn’t listen to the whole thing,” which should alert you to the several pinches of salt that are needed as a side serving to Koenig’s wry, post-modern review.

“I have heard SOME of it. I heard that one called ‘Worst Behaviour,’ the “motherfuckers never loved us” one,” Koenig writes of the album’s single… and that’s the first and last readers see or hear about Drake’s fourth studio album.“You know how many people talk shit behind your back and then try to be your best friend over the course of 22 years in the industry?” – Ezra Koenig

Nothing of the anticipated record’s long list of producers (Hudson Mohawke, Chilly Gonzales), and collaborators (Jay Z, Sampha, 2 Chainz), nor its tricky sampling (from Wu-Tang to neo-classical), all of which Koenig no doubt has more than a firm grasp of.

Instead, the singer/guitarist takes inspiration from Drake’s ‘Worst Behaviour’ and its central lyric to go write something else entirely. “There are SO many motherfuckers out there. I’ve been making music since I was seven years old (started with piano) so I’ve been betrayed more times than I can count,” he writes.

“You know how many people talk shit behind your back and then try to be your best friend over the course of 22 years in the industry?? Drake only got into music like five years ago, so if you see how angry he is — IMAGINE HOW I FEEL.” The ‘review’ then spirals into a bizarre personal anecdote about the time Vampire Weekend opened for a Danish band with a frontman called Hans – with a very liberal use of all caps.

Proving he’s the same sharp-tongued storyteller behind such hits as ‘A-Punk’ and ‘Diane Young’, Koenig’s prose rattles off about bonding with the unnamed Danish band over a 2007 show. “We talked about how we both LOVED this one Animal Collective song. He said his band was playing in New York in a few months and he would DEFINITELY hit me up when they got into town.” Only he didn’t, as Koenig explains in a wry (and possibly very made-up) tale.

Reading that ‘Hans and co.’ are in town, the Vampire Weekend mouthpiece recounts waiting for the hook-up: “I check my phone. Lots of texts and e-mails from various friends and business associates A$ U$UAL but, curiously, no word from Hans. Later that afternoon, I check my e-mail again. NOT A WORD. I check Facebook. NOT A POKE. I check fucking MYSPACE. NOT A GODDAMN NEW MESSAGE. (I should point out that Hans’ band was in our Top 8 at the time.)”

Several strange references later – including turning to (then-five-years-old) Aussie expat Iggy Azeala for advice, and hanging with Animal Collective’s Panda Bear and his collegiate friend Nathan – Koenig abruptly concludes: “YIKES, just hit my word count limit. Thanks for listening. FUCK HANS… TO SEE A COMPLETE LIST OF ALL THE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO NEVER LOVED US, CHECK OUT:”

As you might’ve guessed, the link is not real, but instead loops back to Ezra Koenig’s Drake ‘review’ (which you can read in full here).

If you’re a Drake fan looking genuine assessment, “obviously, it’s good” is all you’re gonna get (that and the album cover is “worth the price of admission alone!”). However, if you’re the kind of music fan who draws introverted delight from wordy, hilariously intentioned but slick-cool presented artifice – then you’re in for a treat.

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