Guys, I hate to break it to you but Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is (kind of) a liar. Way back in 2015 he announced in a bunch of interviews that A Head Full Of Dreams would probably be their final album. But it’s nearly 2019 and we’ve literally seen an EP of new music and a live album release from the band in the last 8 days alone.
He told Rolling Stone “If one day we make another record, then that’s wonderful.” But that just sounds like someone pretending they’re going to try and commit even though they know they won’t. Trust me, I do it all the time!
When will the lies end? Frankly, like most other people I was over it when Coldplay went full blown pop-rock with their 2011 album Mylo Xyloto. Sure the record had some charming moments (I will consider “Paradise” an emotional banger until the end of my days), but overall they’d lost the bland soft-rock sound that was once their essence.
Watch: Coldplay – “Paradise”
Since then they’ve floated along with 2014’s Ghost Stories which left listeners asking the question “did someone die in the recording studio?”, and the follow up A Head Full Of Dreams. The latter album was Chris Martin’s attempt at telling the world “I’m totally over my divorce conscious uncoupling” by featuring his ex-wife on a song where you can’t really hear her sing anything.
After A Head Full Of Dreams, many of us thought they were done. We thought we were free. We were wrong.
Last year Coldplay released the Kaleidoscope EP. It was a bunch of songs that didn’t make it onto the final album. At that point I wasn’t too bothered, I just didn’t listen to it and I moved on with my love. Everything was fine.
Related: Watch Father John Misty scat his way through a Coldplay cover
However, news emerged last week that Coldplay had recorded and released another EP under the name Los Unidades. Even worse, they’d collaborated with Pharrell on it. The only thing worse than Coldplay at this point is Coldplay with Pharrell joining in. They also released another live album yesterday (December 7th). At this point they need to stop. Chris Martin got our hopes up and and then threw them out the window and laughed in our faces.
I move that we contact the United Nations and suggest we ban the members of Coldplay from making music. We will allow them a greatest hits album opportunity for which they can record one song, but it has to be a cover of an actually good song. Then they can cease to exist for a decade at least.
We also need to hold Chris Martin accountable for his actions and lies. His deceitful ways have hurt us all too much. I suggest we sentence him to a never-ending internship at Goop. Remind yourself that Coldplay peaked years ago and need to stop now by watching the not very good video for bad song “A Sky Full Of Stars”.
Watch: Coldplay – “A Sky Full Of Stars”
