I’ve always had a few silent qualms about the ARIA award trophy. There’s no denying that the shiny pyramids exude a certain bravado. However, there are architectural mishaps that have been overlooked for far too long. If we’re being nit-picky, the trophies are an open invitation for fingerprints. I’ve never seen an ARIA that wasn’t ornamented with the greasy mementoes of human DNA. The trophies most glaring fault is its complete disregard for all occupational health and safety standards. The perilous nature of the award was proven by pop luminary, Montaigne.
Montaigne picked up the ARIA award for Breakthrough Artist back in 2016. The musician also delivered the most iconic speech in ARIA history. Taking her speech as an opportunity to remind us all of the importance of staying humble because, at the end of the day, everybody shits.
“ARIA, you’ve gifted me this pointy spear of recognition which I really appreciate,” she shared. “I must remember that for the rest of my life I will probably eject at least three loads out of my butt every week at least three times and along with other…like a million other humans at the same time.”
Montaigne recently took to social media to share a story about how her highly-coveted award has cocked up all chances of her getting her bond back.
So it goes, Montaigne injured her foot after falling off a wall indoor bouldering last month. Her physio directed her to do calf exercises with weights to aid her recovery.
“I have no gym weights at home, so I decided I’d fill a backpack full of heavy stuff I own,” she explained.
“The heaviest thing I own is, undeniably, my ARIA award. That shit is at least a few kilograms of hard, pointy metal. I first threw in a copy of 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami, then Jerusalem by Yotam Ottolenghi, then my ARIA award on top. The bag does not zip.”
“So I picked the bag up and put it on my back, swung around to step to the wall so I could hold myself steady while I did the exercises,” she explained.
“AND MY ARIA FELL NOSE FIRST OUT OF MY BAG AND IMPALED MY FLOORBOARDS.”
The award literally drove a stake through the heart of Montaigne’s dwelling. Proving what I feared all along. This is no award, this is a diabolical instrument of death.
Montaigne released her second record, Complex, on August 30th. It is one of the most interesting, thoughtful pop records to come out of the country this year. You can read about 10 things you didn’t know about Complex now.
