After being sober for over a decade, Eminem has powerfully opened up about his battles with fame and addiction in a new essay.
The essay was shared by XXL on Wednesday, September 14th, with the rapper not shying away about his struggle coping with substance abuse as his fame grew.
“Before any of this happened, before I signed to Dr. Dre and Interscope, I remember having this conversation with Royce (da 5’9″),” he started. “We had somebody at this hip-hop label who said they wanted to sign me when I was working with the Bass Brothers. I made three or four songs, and we gave it to this guy, and found out that he worked in the mail room and he wasn’t really who he said he was.”
“I was at the lowest point. I didn’t even know what I was going to do because it didn’t look like it was going to happen. I’m 24 years old and I got a baby to take care of and all I want to do is rap, but it didn’t look good. I was super depressed.”
As his career started to get bigger, Eminem’s problems with drugs increased. “My addiction didn’t start in my early days when I was coming up,” he continued. “We used to drink 40s on the porch and just battle rap each other. My drug usage started at the beginning of that first album.
“I didn’t take anything hard until I got famous. I was experimenting. I hadn’t found a drug of choice. Back then you went on tour and people were just giving you free drugs. I managed it for a little while. And then, it just became, I like this s— too much and I don’t know how to stop.”
According to the rapper, he was able to downplay his drug problems and “hide it for a while until it got really bad.”
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“So, I’m coming off The Marshall Mathers LP and going into Encore when my addiction started to get bad. I was taking Vicodin, Valium and alcohol. I kinda fell off the map a little bit and didn’t explain why I went away,” he recalled.
“I remember things started getting really, really bad when me, 50 and G-Unit did BET’s 106 & Park. We performed ‘You Don’t Know’ on the show and then we did an interview afterward. That’s when the wheels started coming off. One of the hosts was talking to me and I could not understand a word she was saying. 50 had to cover for me and answer every question.”
Eminem explained that his addiction lasted for five years, with things only getting worse after D12’s Proof died in 2006. “I remember just after Proof died, I was in my house by myself, and I was just laying in bed and I couldn’t move and I just kept staring at the ceiling fan,” he said. “And I just kept taking more pills. I literally couldn’t walk for two days when that happened and eventually my drug use f—in’ skyrocketed. I
“had f—in’ 10 drug dealers at one time that I’m getting my s— from. Seventy-five to 80 Valiums a night, which is a lot. I don’t know how the f—I’m still here. I was numbing myself.”
Eminem concluded: “I couldn’t sit up here, say, ‘Man, I want to be the best rapper that ever was and ever will be, but I don’t listen to anybody else’s s— and I think that I’m untouchable’” No, because the minute you sleep, someone’s coming to take your head off. That’s what I’ve always loved about rap. It’s always evolving, and to succeed you need to be constantly aware of that and keep up with it.”
You can check out the rapper’s full essay here.
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