The first-ever Amazon review of The White Stripes is loose

In a time known as the ’90s, Jack White was not a very prominent and respected rock star with one hell of a recipe for guacamole (yeah, we’re going to bring that up again), he was just a simple ex-furniture upholsterer with one hell of a recipe for guacamole.

He also had one hell of a band with his only bandmate Meg White. Back then, we still weren’t sure if the two of them were brother and sister, or boyfriend and girlfriend, or cousins or what? It was a simpler time when there was still some mystery to rock and roll.

But in 1999, The White Stripes weren’t ‘the last great rock and roll’ band we know today. ‘Seven Nation Army’ hadn’t even been written yet and they were just a simple garage duo from Detroit on a small independent label no one had heard of yet.

As Consequence of Sound notes, incensed by the lack of attention coming their way, a fan and Amazon user named Adam Beales decided to pen the greatest review we’ve possibly ever read. It was like the spirit of Lester Bangs entered Beales body for 500 or so glorious words.

“What we got here is a boy, a girl, a guitar, a rudimentary drumkit, and a Led Zeppelin fixation like the Aswad High Dam,” Beales writes. “You take all that, you stuff it through the rama-lama-fa-fa-fa with more cheap speed than a normal ninth-grader can handle and you will most definitely get you somma that WHITE STRIPES.”

“If Robert Plant coulda singed like that, Led Zeppelin might have even sold a few rekkids,” he writes elsewhere. “The side-two opener (vinyl, baby, it’s gotta be) ‘Broken Bricks’ is likewise AOK, just a-buildin’ and a hollerin’ until it EXPLODES all over the place at the end like Ron Fugg’n Jeremy.”